Happy? Easter.

The only plans made for Easter this year were with Kyle's parents and cousin on Easter Sunday. Which should be interesting since his father has no intention of talking to either of us and his mother, although very excited about the baby, doesn't really make any appearance that she likes me. Needless to say it will be a bit uncomfortable. Jess will be there which will help. I love Jess!

Meanwhile, my mom's side have NO plans whatsoever, or at least haven't bothered telling me. And though dad invited me I know for a fact that he only asked because his wife told him to. If it was up to him he would forget about me completely. He loved us all when we were little, but as soon as we grew up, he wanted nothing to do with us. Especially now that I am having a baby! Sometimes I really hate him! And I wish it didn't have to be like that! After all he put me through I still can't ignore him, he's my father! Even if he has rarely ever played the role!

And ACTION!!!

I started crocheting a baby blanket a couple days ago using a size I hook and Patons classic wool I was originally using for another blanket. Its just a basic Granny Square blanket that I picked up off of the Lion Brand site.

Thought I'd just throw a bunch of colors in since we have yet to find out the sex of baby.

I'm also going to David's birthday at Buffalo Wild Wings with Crystal and Derek and Kyle tonight. Should be fun, I am giving David a fake scene table, those black boards directors use to tell what scene they are on (they slam down the top of it and yell action). Its to go with his film making career *smirk*!

It Only Takes One Day To Change A Life!!

On January 25, 2010, I got ready for work and took the bus down to Pittsford. I had a few minutes to kill before I actually had to be in, and I was worrying about my late period so as I usually do when its late, I bought a pregnancy test just to be sure. I wasn't nervous since I did this many times and I was on birth control, and even on birth control my period wouldn't come immediately. I bought a generic Wegmans brand and went to the bathroom. Now on these tests you would either get a minus sign or a plus sign. Doesn't take brain science to figure out which means which! Well....mine came up with a vertical line! What the hell does THAT mean? This is what I kept asking myself as I walked to work, signed in, sat at the shift meeting, and prepared everything for the day. I told Halley, and Lindsey, and Meaghan. They asked the same question. I took the second test on my 15 min. break...same result. Nervousness and shaking started kicking in but even with this on my mind, I still managed to look calm and keep a smile on my face for the customers. On my lunch break I ran back to Wegmans and bought a better pregnancy test but didn't have time to take it. So I waited until my last 15 min and took it. POSITIVE! I almost lost it, but knew I had to go back to work, so when I wasn't dealing with customers, I was deep in my head problem solving. Thinking about what to tell Kyle, how much it was for an abortion. Do I want an abortion? When it was finally time for me to go I went to the bus stop and called mom originally just to ask when would be the best time to call my doctor. But I couldn't hide it from her. I broke down! I sobbed! She was silent for a few minutes then told me that a baby is never a curse it is always a blessing. Things happen for a reason. She said she will come up in an hour and we will talk it over. I cried the entire ride back home and when I confronted Kyle, I could barely keep it together. He immediately thought of abortion too. But when my mother came over she changed our minds. She had a solution already made up in her head. We would move in with her so that we wouldn't have to worry about rent and the stress of living in the city. And we would have the help to raise this child. After the long talk we went out to eat and Kyle was beginning to become more positive about this than I was. He said that this was the change we needed to get ourselves back on our feet and back into our lives. And he was right! For the sake of the baby we have actually been setting our goals again with baby involved of course but it was the slap in the face we needed to wake up and become responsible again.

I've gone through a great deal of all day "morning sickness" since then! And I have also found a great deal of support from my family, friends, and EVERYONE at Barnes and Noble.

I'm in my 16th week and the baby is due either the end of August or beginning of September. I am more excited than scared or worried now, and so is Kyle. We have both done the math and the research and found it would be much easier on us to continue living in the city when the baby is born rather than move in with my mother in Bloomfield (45 minutes away from work) buy a car, and pay for insurance and gas on top of a baby. It's going to be hard! I am fully aware of that! But it will also be a challenge! One I am willing to see through, because I know the reward of that challenge will be exponentially greater than any other reward I could think of!

Poor Jack

I've fucked a lot up! Stopped caring about my classes. Stopped caring about my bills! Stop about my apartment! I don't know if its because of all the deaths around me. First Jeff, then Mike, and now Nancey! I can't just put myself into a depression anymore. I gotta live!! I gotta do shit!! I can't just sit in my apartment and knit and log onto facebook every 5 seconds! Thats pathetic!!

So its starting today!! Just used up all of my saved money for rent on my bills! Started cleaning the kitchen! From now on gotta watch spending!! No more yarn buying!!

My Hermione Hat

So I was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban a couple of days ago(my favorite out of all the Harry Potter books) and I became obsessed with Hermione's Cable and bobbles hat. I knew there was a pattern for it in the Harry Potter knitting book, but I had no money and no way to get out and get the book, so I made the pattern from scratch. This will be the first one I have ever put to writing. Do what you want with it. make it and sell it it but please please please give me some credit for it!!

Hermione's Cable and Bobbles Hat

I used US8 circ/dp needles

and Lamb's Pride worsted ( the name of the color faded on the label so which ever color you want. Its actually more red than in the picture)

Guage: 4.5 sts/inch

Fits 21" circ.

-C6B=put 3 sts on cable needle and hold in back, K3,K3 on needle

-T4B=put next 2 purl sts on cable hold in back, K2,P2 on needle

-T4F=put next 2 knit sts on cable, hold in front, P2, K2 on needle

-CO 84

-K2P2 ribbing for 20 rounds, more if you want a thicker cuff.

-set-up round:

(k6,p4,k6,p9,k2,p1) 3x

-Pattern:

R1: (C6B,P4,C6B,P9,K2,P1)3x

R2: (K6,P4,K6,P7,T4B,P1)3x

R3: (K6,P4,K6,P7,K2,P3)3x

R4: (K6,P4,K6,P5,T4B,P3)3x

R5: (C6B,P4,C6B,P5,K2,P5)3x

R6: (K6,P4,K6,P3,T4B,P5)3x

R7: (K6,P4,K6,P3,K2,P7)3x

R8: (K6,P4,K6,P1,T4B,P7)3x

R9: (C6B,P4,C6B,P1,K2,P9)3x

R10: (K6,P4,K6,P1,K2,P4,mB,P4)3x

R11: (K6,P4,K6,P1,K2,P9)3x

R12: (K6,P4,K6,P1,T4F,P7)3x

R13: (C6B,P4,C6B,P3,K2,P7)3x

R14: (K6,P4,K6,P3,T4F,P5)3x

R15: (K6,P4,K6,P5,K2,P5)3x

R16: (K6,P4,K6,P5,T4F,P3)3x

R17: (C6B, P4,C6B,P7,K2,P3)3x

R18: (K6,P4,K6,P7,T4F,P1)3x

R19: (K6,P4,K6,P9,K2,P1)3x

R20: (K6,P4,K6,P4,mB,P4,K2,P1)3x

-Do pattern twice before Decrease. I tried to keep with the pattern while decreasing, so it might seem a little more complicated than it should have been, but I was winging it!

-Decreasing:

R1: C6B,P4, (put next 3 sts on cable, K2tog,K1,K3 on cable),P7,P2tog,K2,P1,C6B,P2,P2tog,C6B,P6,P2tog,P1,K2,P1,C6B,P2,P2tog,C6B,P6,P2tog,

P1,K2,P1-Dec 6 sts (78 total)

R2: Continue in Pattern

R3: K6,P4, K1,K2tog,K2,P6,K2,P1,P2tog,K6,P3,K2,K2tog,K2,P6,K2,P1,P2tog,K6,P3,K2,K2tog,K2,P6,K2,

P1,P2tog-Dec 6 sts (72 total)

R4: Continue in Pattern (now is a goos time to change to DP's 24 sts on 3 needles)

R5: !st needle[C6B,P4,(put 2 sts on cable, K2, K2tog on cable), P4,K2,P2,P2tog]

2nd and 3rd[C6B,P3,(put 2 sts on cable, K3,K2tog on cable),P4,K2,P2,P2tog]-Dec 6 (66 total)

R6: Continue in Pattern

R7: 1st needle[K6,P2,P2tog,K3,P2,K2,P3,P2tog]; needles 2 and 3[K6,P3,K2tog,K2,P2,K2,P3,P2tog]-Dec 6 (60 total)

R8: [K6,P2,K2tog,K2,P2,K2,P2,P2tog]3x-(54 total)

R9: [C6B,P1,(ok put p st and next k st on cable, K2, K2tog on cable),P2,K2,P1,P2tog]3x(48 total)

R10: [K6,K2tog,K2,P2,K2,P2tog] 3x-(42 total)

R11: [K5,K2tog,K2,P2,K1,K2tog] 3x-(36 total)

R12: [K4,K2tog,K2,P2,K2tog] 3x-(30 total)

R13: [K3,K2tog,K2,P1,P2tog] 3x-(24 total)

R14: [K2,K2tog,K2,P2tog] 3x-(18 total)

R15: [K1,K2tog,K1,K2tog] 3x-(12 total)

R16: [K2tog] 3x-(6 total)

Cut yarn and fasten off!!

Giving

Sometimes, giving sucks. Well, only when the person you give to acts oblivious to it, and/or doesn't return the favor. And there are different degrees of giving. Like giving a friend one of your Reese's after trick or treating, if they don't give back, not a big deal! But then there are moments when you give something valuable, something that is precious to you and they don't thank you or return the favor. That is when it hurts! You almost feel like you gave up a piece of yourself and it only goes to shit! You don't feel as whole as you did. You start off feeling something for this person, I can't think of a word describing what that feeling is perhaps a type of love, even if this person is a friend. And you want to give something to this person, as a sign of your affection. And you want that something to be special hoping that it will also mean something to the person. So when you give it, whatever it is, your nervous you have a little bit of fear as to whether that person will accept it, appreciate it. And if they do, fantastic! You two have a connection, you can go further in that relationship you have even more of that indescribable feeling for the person. But if they don't, the pain and let down is terrible. You feel worthless, like shit. And you have a new hatred for the person, even for a little while. You also lose respect for them. Sometimes, depending on what you gave, this only lasts for a little while and sometimes and can completely end what you felt for the person.

In my case, it hasn't ended anything, put its put me closer to that point. I have lost a little bit of love for him and respect. I tried giving him something that I thought, judging from past conversations he would really love from me. But there was no acknowledgement and there was no return. And now I am angry, and upset. And trying to figure out what to do now. How to confront him without sounding stupid and pathetic. But at this moment just trying to calm down and think rationally!!

Lifeless Wasteland

Its been a while! Ok, a summer! I'm not someone who can keep a regular schedule of these things. I get bored easily. I only write when I need it out! When no one around me will listen. Kyle and I are still together which is a miracle to me. He is really good at making big lists of all of my faults. His only fault I see is that he makes this list. Everything else I can surpass, everything else doesn't bother me, because I know that is just the way he is and I can't change who he is. But it feels like he is constantly trying to change ME. I wonder how much longer this is going to last. One minute I absolutely love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and the next, I want to get the hell away from him. Like right now! Which is why I am writing here! But I might end up going for a walk in a little bit and listen to Type O.

On a knitting note,

I am going to attempt dyeing for the first time here in my little apartment. And I will be dyeing with kool-aid and my microwave. Will definitely document it with photography when I can FIND my camera!