The Beginning of Motherhood

Neala arrived over a week late on September 18th. 12 hours of labor and NO Epidural. I feel that is an accomplishment; at least when I tell other mothers that, they make me feel like I have accomplished something great. I DID have Nubain...but it slowed my contractions down and I ended up needing Pitocin, but I made it through transition without any pain meds!!

I'm finding in my first weeks of Neala, I am becoming much better at multitasking. Such as, breastfeeding, knitting, and using my foot to operate the Xbox to watch movies on Netflix. She STILL has no set schedule, and will eat and sleep when she pleases, and trying to get ahead by pumping milk to be stored for later is damn near impossible since she is constantly hungry. Still debating on giving her formula every now and then. Kyle is against it...otherwise I would have done so already.

On a knitting subject, I am doing my first lace shawl(with actual lace yarn, no substituting with worsted and larger needles). Its the Pretty Maids shawl from Knitty's Deep Fall collection.

the Wait and the Frustration

I'm 2 cm dilated and she's supposedly due tomorrow! She hasn't dropped so we'll see. At this point I want the pregnancy to be over mainly because of the shortness of breathe and the inability to sleep no many how many pillows are between my legs and under my stomach. Frankly, sleeping for only 2 hours at a time til she wakes up is better than never making it to REM at all!!

On top of that Kyle has been frustrating me. He says one thing, then the opposite not even 20 minutes after. "It really upsets me when you don't say 'our apartment' or 'our baby'!"

Couple hours later

"So I guess from now on we will be referred to as 'we' and 'our' and I won't be able to have 'me time'!"

And then there was; "I'm so frustrated that none of our friends call to hang out with us anymore because we have a baby."

then, 15 minutes later after I got a hold of his cousin, Jeff, to see what he was up to;

"I just want to have a lazy day to play video games and get stuff done around the house.And we don't have the money to go do stuff!"

He complains, I try to fix the problem, and he still complains! I gave up! I got up and grabbed the clothe diapers and some of my dirty clothes and went downstairs to do laundry. He is now playing his video games! Yet as soon as I start knitting, I'm the guilty one for not doing anything productive. At least my hobby will prove to be useful come the Apocalypse!

Am I the only knitter out there with conflict from friends and loved ones? I feel like I am sometimes!!

Any Day Now!!

Neala (pronounced Nay-la) is due Sept 9th. Everyone has started making their predictions on which day. Some go by the fact that she is my first and so therefore will come late, others go by how I was born, and I was three days early. Josie's prediction was for tomorrow. I'll be working tomorrow and info and four of my co-workers made up an elaborate plan for me to deliver there at the store. That way it could be posted as an "above and beyond" event on the company's website.

I really hope my water doesn't break there! Or if it does, it doesn't grab attention so I can sneak out before George or Doug find out :-)

Kyle and I have moved into a much larger place just a couple blocks down from the old one. Its in an apartment complex that was once the Normandie Hotel in the 1920's. Neala will have her own room when she's older. The place is safe there are security cameras and Kyle's cousin, Jess, works in the building.

I'm nervous, but also very excited to meet my daughter, see her face, watch her personality develop. I also just want the whole pregnancy part to be over. The muscle aches, lack of sleep(which wont stop even when she's here), the shortness of breath, and the not being able to have a good drink ;-)

I've been spending my time working, knitting(things that I shouldn't be knitting) and "nesting".

I have been washing her clothes, and fretting over which outfit I want to bring her home in! The room is not anywheres near done, but she won't be there her first few months. Since I'm breastfeeding she'll be with me and Kyle in our bedroom. Mom is bringing over the cradle that she bought for me.

Creep!

When I want to compare what I want to be as a mother compared to what I don't want to be, all I have to do is look at the mother of my youngest brother.

-I will not deprive my child of their father or the rest of their family no matter how much I disagree with them!

-I will not deprive my child of a good education!

-I will make sure my child is well kept and clean when in public!

-I will not subject my child to abusive and terrible people!

-When my child is old enough to decide what they want, I will let them make their own decisions and not manipulate them and tell them what they really want out of life!

They will be my everything! And I will do everything I can to keep them happy!

Happy? Easter.

The only plans made for Easter this year were with Kyle's parents and cousin on Easter Sunday. Which should be interesting since his father has no intention of talking to either of us and his mother, although very excited about the baby, doesn't really make any appearance that she likes me. Needless to say it will be a bit uncomfortable. Jess will be there which will help. I love Jess!

Meanwhile, my mom's side have NO plans whatsoever, or at least haven't bothered telling me. And though dad invited me I know for a fact that he only asked because his wife told him to. If it was up to him he would forget about me completely. He loved us all when we were little, but as soon as we grew up, he wanted nothing to do with us. Especially now that I am having a baby! Sometimes I really hate him! And I wish it didn't have to be like that! After all he put me through I still can't ignore him, he's my father! Even if he has rarely ever played the role!

And ACTION!!!

I started crocheting a baby blanket a couple days ago using a size I hook and Patons classic wool I was originally using for another blanket. Its just a basic Granny Square blanket that I picked up off of the Lion Brand site.

Thought I'd just throw a bunch of colors in since we have yet to find out the sex of baby.

I'm also going to David's birthday at Buffalo Wild Wings with Crystal and Derek and Kyle tonight. Should be fun, I am giving David a fake scene table, those black boards directors use to tell what scene they are on (they slam down the top of it and yell action). Its to go with his film making career *smirk*!

It Only Takes One Day To Change A Life!!

On January 25, 2010, I got ready for work and took the bus down to Pittsford. I had a few minutes to kill before I actually had to be in, and I was worrying about my late period so as I usually do when its late, I bought a pregnancy test just to be sure. I wasn't nervous since I did this many times and I was on birth control, and even on birth control my period wouldn't come immediately. I bought a generic Wegmans brand and went to the bathroom. Now on these tests you would either get a minus sign or a plus sign. Doesn't take brain science to figure out which means which! Well....mine came up with a vertical line! What the hell does THAT mean? This is what I kept asking myself as I walked to work, signed in, sat at the shift meeting, and prepared everything for the day. I told Halley, and Lindsey, and Meaghan. They asked the same question. I took the second test on my 15 min. break...same result. Nervousness and shaking started kicking in but even with this on my mind, I still managed to look calm and keep a smile on my face for the customers. On my lunch break I ran back to Wegmans and bought a better pregnancy test but didn't have time to take it. So I waited until my last 15 min and took it. POSITIVE! I almost lost it, but knew I had to go back to work, so when I wasn't dealing with customers, I was deep in my head problem solving. Thinking about what to tell Kyle, how much it was for an abortion. Do I want an abortion? When it was finally time for me to go I went to the bus stop and called mom originally just to ask when would be the best time to call my doctor. But I couldn't hide it from her. I broke down! I sobbed! She was silent for a few minutes then told me that a baby is never a curse it is always a blessing. Things happen for a reason. She said she will come up in an hour and we will talk it over. I cried the entire ride back home and when I confronted Kyle, I could barely keep it together. He immediately thought of abortion too. But when my mother came over she changed our minds. She had a solution already made up in her head. We would move in with her so that we wouldn't have to worry about rent and the stress of living in the city. And we would have the help to raise this child. After the long talk we went out to eat and Kyle was beginning to become more positive about this than I was. He said that this was the change we needed to get ourselves back on our feet and back into our lives. And he was right! For the sake of the baby we have actually been setting our goals again with baby involved of course but it was the slap in the face we needed to wake up and become responsible again.

I've gone through a great deal of all day "morning sickness" since then! And I have also found a great deal of support from my family, friends, and EVERYONE at Barnes and Noble.

I'm in my 16th week and the baby is due either the end of August or beginning of September. I am more excited than scared or worried now, and so is Kyle. We have both done the math and the research and found it would be much easier on us to continue living in the city when the baby is born rather than move in with my mother in Bloomfield (45 minutes away from work) buy a car, and pay for insurance and gas on top of a baby. It's going to be hard! I am fully aware of that! But it will also be a challenge! One I am willing to see through, because I know the reward of that challenge will be exponentially greater than any other reward I could think of!